The Pencil is Mightier Than the Sword?

An 11-year-old student was recently expelled from school after he jabbed another student in the kneecap with a pencil. School administrators initially suspended him for 10 days, but the school board trumped their decision after categorizing the pencil as a weapon.

Since the tragedy of Columbine, the fears of school boards and administrators have been roused across the nation. The safety of all students was catapulted to their number one priority, with an understandable trend toward protection at all costs. “No-tolerance” policies were borne from their understandable paranoia and protective impulses.

But have some of these impulses gone too far?

On the one hand, I strongly believe in school discipline. Too many schools sweep serious bullying incidents under the rug. Some ignore incidents of sexual harassment that would get any adult fired, if not sued. So I support significant consequences for assaulting a peer.

On the other hand, there were apparently no reports of prior violent incidents with this child. He and another peer were jawing back and forth and the kid just poked him on the kneecap. No blood flowed; no ER visit was necessary. It was by all accounts a relatively minor incident. The kid didn’t bring a machete to class; to categorize his pencil as a weapon suggests that all children are wielding potentially dangerous weapons every day in school. If this is the case, school administrators could be sued for allowing deadly weapons in their schools. Of course, that would be insane.

The other variable that caught my interest was the father of the assailant claiming that the child has ADHD and that that was a primary cause of the incident. That’s where I roll my eyes.

OK, the kid had some mainstream mental health professional or pediatrician diagnose him with a baloney disorder. I know that is par for the course for children who struggle with attention and impulsivity. I don’t expect that to change anytime soon. What gets me is when parents excuse their child’s behavior with the diagnosis: “The ADHD did it.”

ADHD can’t make a child stab someone with a pencil. Believing that a disorder incapacitates a child’s decision-making skills serves only to excuse that parent from training the child properly. All children can be trained to make far better decisions most of the time. I have seen it time and again—in my own practice and from other like-minded mental health professionals who do not buy into the ADHD excuse.

That is what my book Desperately Seeking Parents is all about: how parents can improve their leadership and training skills, enough to effect change with the most difficult children. Even those who would otherwise be diagnosed with imaginary mental illnesses.

The Paterno Expressway

I know we’re in a recession, but I’m requesting $14 Billion in funding from the state coffers to create a new interstate highway. I want to prove that I can get people to drive the speed limit. Here’s how.

After posting the speed limit, there will be one “highway officer” (not police) monitoring every mile of the highway. They will act both as emergency officers in case of an accident and as traffic officers. But instead of pulling people over for speeding, they will pull people over for obeying the limit.

Imagine it: you see the siren, but it has a brighter flashing light. You eagerly pull over and the officer hands you a citation saying “Great job obeying the speed limit; keep up the good work!” Along with it is a $20 Starbucks card, a coupon for a free oil change, or a voucher for a reduction of your car insurance. You drive away happy and proud.

Guess what? You would be far more likely to drive the speed limit the Paterno Expressway because this kind of reward would be frequent. Why? Because positive reinforcement always holds more power to change behavior than does punishment—especially intermittent punishment. Intermittent punishment is exactly what most police use to enforce the speed limit. Police have better things to do, so there are few of them on the highway. And when they do catch a speeder, they are punished. But realistically, how often does that happen? We all know that about 99% of speeders and episodes of speeding go unpunished.

And what about the speeders? For them, the highway officers would have advanced scanning technology so they could immediately notice and catch all speeders; they would immediately give them a fine for $500. If the speeder refused to pull over, the fine would triple and the driver would lose his license for 6 months. That would be quite a deterrent.

Paterno Expressway would also be far fewer accidents; those accidents that did occur would have far fewer fatalities, since speeding would be so rare.

My point is that parenting should emphasize positive reinforcement a great deal more than punishment. Punishment can only temporarily reduce certain behaviors. While punishment is important, it will never help a child learn new behavior patterns. It is up to positive reinforcement to do that.

So instead of emphasizing punishment for bad behavior, shift your focus to rewarding positive behavior. With younger children, rewards should almost exclusively be social: hugs, kisses, high-fives, verbal praise, noticing the child, offering attention, and anything else your child likes from you. As your child gets older, social rewards remain important, but privileges gain in importance. This becomes even more pronounced during the adolescent years.

Guess what...we adults still need positive reinforcement. Parents can model this for one another in their marriages by giving each other positive reinforcement. Try it!

The New “PK’s”

I’ve never estimated how many times I have heard friends who are parents tell me they are afraid to bring their children around me because they presume I would reflexively judge them and their children. It’s as if I walk around with a notebook labeled “Ways Other Parents Stink”. I usually laugh heartily at my friends who make comments like this around me, assuring them that I have better things to do than judge other parents. Really.

The irony is that when I am in public with my children, I am the one who is anxious. Now, I know darn well how silly it is to worry about how others perceive me and my children, but the truth is that I have a goofy fantasy that everyone else is judging MY parenting. After all, the fantasy goes, people are walking around with THEIR notebook labeled, “Ways Dr. Paterno Can’t Even Raise His Own Kids Right—Why Should We Listen to Him?”

My poor kids. It must be tough having a child psychologist as a parent.

I took my new puppy to the office this past weekend for the first time—mostly as a trial run for a couple hours to see how she would respond. When I walked out of the office to find a good patch of grass for puppy to relieve herself, a friendly looking couple approached, joined by their gorgeous Airedale. As soon as they neared us, my dog went berserk with frenetic excitement. She behaved as if she had just consumed 14,000 cups of coffee.

I was a bit embarrassed, even while I knew I shouldn’t be. Puppies behave like puppies, after all. I struck up some conversation with the couple, who seemed genuinely interested in my puppy. Within a couple minutes, I had learned that they were in charge of the Park District obedience training class. Immediately, I became self-conscious.

What if they saw how ignorant I was with my puppy? What if they noticed how clueless I was in getting her to calm down and be reasonable? What if they thought I was a terrible dog owner? The thoughts raced. I was not happy.

Then it hit me. This must mirror how others feel when they learn what I do, especially after they find that I have written a book on parenting! I understood how a person could develop such a rich, albeit irrational, fantasy.

Luckily, my kids are generally pretty great. Roughly translated, they are just as obnoxious, demanding, goofy, and ridiculous as any other kid is. They are also very respectful, kind, considerate, and obedient. So if any of you sees me out in public with my children, know that I’m not taking judgmental notes about you in my notebook. Just make sure you hide yours; it would make me very anxious.

Reason #64 Not to Trust Your Child to Psychiatry

A new study reports what most psychiatric survivors and mental health critics have known for decades: children on neuroleptics (also labeled “antipsychotics”) gain weight at an alarming and dangerous rate.

Many children and adolescent pack on almost two pounds per week on drugs like Ability, Risperdal, Seroquel and Zyprexa. The last two drugs are not approved for children. That’s right, the FDA has not approved them for children because they are known to elevate cholesterol and other blood fats to dangerous levels, which scientists know makes children more prone to heart problems later in life.

These drugs are some of the most toxic substances used by psychiatry. They are tranquilizers that are extremely sedating; they do their “work” by essentially shutting off the emotional center of the brain. They do not rewire or rebalance brain chemicals; any commercials or professional who tells you that is either ignorant or a big fat liar.

One of the ways children gain weight on these drugs is by disturbing normal digestion of sugars. Essentially, these drugs cause diabetes.

Just an aside: guess who makes money when the children develop diabetes?

Psychiatrists, along with the marketing departments of the drug companies, defend the use of these toxins by suggesting that these newer drugs are safer than the older anti-psychotics like Haldol and Mellaril. This is arguable. All of the newer anti-psychotics also cause permanent, debilitating neurological disorders like Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome and several dystonias.

Second, they suggest that the drugs can reduce severe psychiatric symptoms in troubled children. On the surface, this is true. When you drug a child with major tranquilizers to the point where their brain is essentially dimmed, of course you won’t see behavioral symptoms. But you could get the same effect with a baseball bat—with less damage to the brain!

Another problem with antipsychotics: the vast majority of adolescents and adults who take them HATE taking them. Children loathe the oppressive feeling, they hate being sedated, they can't stand the side effects, and are often disturbed by the fundamental change in their personality that inevitably follows. Also, many adolescents and adults begin smoking--often chainsmoking--in order to counteract the sedating effects of the drugs. This helps explain the woeful compliance rate with neuroleptics.

The more important point is that there are far better, far more effective, far safer, far more humane methods and treatments for children than hardcore psychiatric drugs. But of course most psychiatrists would not admit this; a huge chunk of their business would evaporate if people knew about that. Now you know.

Baby Einstein Ain't Rocket Science

For those of you who have not heard, Disney is offering refunds to parents who have purchased the Baby Einstein videos. Of course, this was not done willingly or even out of the goodness of Disney's heart. They were threatened with a lawsuit by the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, who cited studies connecting early childhood television watching with later attention problems.

I hope the refunds can help parents acquire something important, like books, puzzles, or a healthy snack.

I hope that parents begin to acknowledge how early childhood exposure to stimuli affects later sensitivity, comprehension and integration of stimuli. It isn't rocket science, but some parents don't get it. If you expose the developing brain to too much visual stimuli--especially highly engaging, long-lasting stimuli--the brain will become "addicted" to this type and intensity of stimuli. It will become the minimum threshold for achieving and maintaining the child's attention. This spells disaster for the child when he or she is supposed to begin reading, listening to adults, or writing on a blank piece of paper. The duller stimuli simply cannot compete.

Same thing with video games. Leapfrogs. Computer games that teach reading and math. Children learned how to read and write and do arithmetic quite well without any of these accoutrements; why in the world would we think that children need them today?

The short answer is: children do not need them at all. What they need is a cardboard box, some dirt, a stick, a ball, pots and pans, pillows, and fresh air. Let them figure out what to do with it all; that will increase their intelligence far more than any videos or computer games ever could. It will also help your child's brain develop the attention and concentration skills necessary to succeed in school and the workplace.

It’s “Dear Diary”, not “Dear Mom”!

Clients and other professionals ask me from time to time about children’s diaries and journals. Should parents consider privacy inviolable and the contents of a diary sacrosanct? Or rather, are parents entitled to discover their child’s secret thoughts?

The question, which I discuss more fully in Desperately Seeking Parents, does not allow as black and white an answer as other parenting challenges. But there are some guiding principles that I believe parents would be wise to consider.

Parents need to comprehend how keenly a child treasures her privacy. In fact, privacy could be subsumed under any of the Four Rewards that children seek: Trust, Respect, Freedom, and Privileges. Because so much of a child’s life is subject to adult scrutiny—from teachers, parents, coaches, friends’ parents—a child’s diary resembles an oasis of thought and feeling. It represents the one place the child can express thoughts and feelings undiluted by fear of adult interference or judgment.

Of course, these are the very thoughts and feelings some parents are so eager to plunder. What parent doesn’t want to know the inner workings of his child’s mind and heart? The problem is that your child expects that her diary will be private. This changes what she enters. Some of the thoughts expressed in diaries and journals are not accurate. Many children and adolescents “try on” thoughts and ideas in their private writings as if to examine them or achieve some sort of catharsis. For example: “I hate Ginny. The next time I see her, I’m going to shove her head down the toilet.” Maybe these are true feelings; more likely, they are hyperbolic reflections of a fleeting, half-baked feeling. Parents can get the wrong idea about their child.

Privacy is one of those things that parents should consider as both a right and a privilege. On the one hand, certainly privacies (such as going to the bathroom unattended) should be afforded your child except in the most extreme cases. On the other hand, higher levels of privacy must be earned. You wouldn’t let your early adolescent alone in her room with the door closed with a boy she has a crush on, would you? But after years of trustworthy behavior, sound judgment, and solid evidence of assertiveness, you might easily allow your daughter that privacy.

I advise parents to discuss the limitations of a diary when the child first receives it. The boundaries should be clearly stated to the child: as long as Mom and Dad can reasonably trust your safety, there will be no reason to intrude on the privacy of your diary or journal. However, if Mom and Dad perceive a threat to your safety, then they reserve the right to look at your diary in order to learn anything they can to help make you safe. Discuss what those specific safety “triggers” might be. Let them know that you have specific concerns on your radar screen. If you are a paranoid parent, admit it. Laugh at yourself before your child does!

Parents possess the right to some reconnaissance, but breaking this sacred boundary should be reserved for only the most critical moments and challenges, such as suicidality, significant drug and alcohol use, or involvement in dangerous relationships. Be assured, you will pay a penalty for breaking this boundary; the damage to your perceived trustworthiness will be considerable. If the penalty proves too steep for you, it would be wise to maintain your child’s privacy.

Desperately Seeking Parents

I realize I have been woefully absent for a week. Just rest assured, I have been spending my time efficiently, mostly completing my book, Desperately Seeking Parents. I hope I have it complete by the end of October and have a decision regarding publication by the end of this year.
I can't wait to start getting it out there on talk radio, TV, internet and bookstores. In the meantime, I will attempt to maintain the blog twice per week: Mondays and Thursdays. There is a lot of good stuff to blog about: parenting advice, a constant flow of research to examine, and snippets of the book to tantalize my readers.
Until Thursday, have a great week!