Back to School! Yea and Ugh!

Today is the first day of school for my two elder children; the youngest begins Kindergarten this Thursday. For about a week, our family has been preparing for this eventuality: daydreaming, shopping (and returning), some worrying, and reviewing expectations. For many families, the back to school season can bring a great deal of stress and hand-wringing. For the next few entries, I will be examining some of the most important conflicts and stresses and offer a few suggestions to help smooth the bumpy road into the school year. For now, I will review two of the most important.


As I have previously written, I am convinced that the most important factor for your child is achieving sufficient sleep. Imagine trying to drive your car to work with one wheel missing. You could possibly make it, but it wouldn’t be pretty. You wouldn’t be able to respond to emergency situations or maneuver deftly. It’s the same with sleep. Get your child back on a sound sleep schedule ASAP! One recommendation: do not fall into the habit of allowing your child to stay up later because he or she is older. If you do that, he or she will be up until midnight or later by the time high school starts.

Second, I know that homework brings a number of stresses and conflicts into many families. In order to lessen the chaos, it is absolutely crucial that parents discuss homework expectations with the child’s teacher. Find out the following:

1. What are the goals for homework: Learning? Mastering? Practicing?
2. How long should the homework take? What if my child takes significantly longer?
3. Is homework to be done independently or am I expected to help?
4. What are the consequences for not doing (or incomplete) homework?
5. What if my child does not understand the homework? Should I leave it for the following day, try to teach my child the concepts in my own way, call the teacher, do the homework for my child?
6. What should I do if the child completes the homework, but it is fundamentally incorrect or sloppy? Should I even be checking?
7. What if my child has after school activities one or two nights a week that make it impossible to get the homework done without stealing crucial sleep hours?

Discover these and you will be able to build a healthy homework relationship with your child.

Feel free to offer me suggestions of back-to-school conflicts and stressors; I’ll weigh in on as many as I can in the following weeks.

Top Ten Lies and Politically Correct Episodes in Children’s Literature

10. In Dr. Seuss’s anti-capitalist, pro-environmental classic The Lorax, the greedy truffula-hacker and thneed-maker never plants another tree. He simply rapes the environment until there is nothing left, leaving the reader to perceive corporations as motivated by nothing but unmitigated evil. But even the dopiest capitalist knows to replenish the natural resources that feed his industry. Besides, if he really were that greedy, he would have enslaved the pesky Lorax.

9. Roald Dahl would have us believe that Willy Wonka rescued the Oompa-Loompas from their remote island in the Pacific. This is clearly a front. A recent discovery—made from a joint British-American document gained by a Freedom of Information request—is that the British Academy of Dentists kidnapped the Oompa-Loompas and sold them to Wonka, knowing that his candy empire would keep dentists fully employed for decades. An Oliver Stone film on this heinous example of industrial slavery is in the works.

8. Most younger parents have read Shinta Cho’s chilling and most academic work, The Gas We Pass: the Story of Farts. Much of the book is accurate, until it makes the patently false claim that eating vegetables does not cause gas, while meat causes near apocalyptic flatulence. Recently, independent journalists discovered that Shinta Cho is a jumbled name: Tina Hochs, a founding member of PETA and longtime proponent of forced veganism. As of yet, it is unclear whether her book’s falsehoods spring more from self-delusion or outright deception.

7. Speaking of PETA, there is no way Curious George could have existed in public without their members becoming apoplectic; the museum would have been shut down by demonstrations. (By the way, there is also no way the man in the yellow hat isn’t gay; no one else would dress like that in New York.)

6. Dr. Seuss wasn’t completely left-wing; he was alternately disgusted and confused by the vegetarian movement. Green Eggs and Ham was his most admittedly biased work, written to counteract the movement’s influence. It strangely shows a sublimely joyful carnivore convincing an anonymous man that he should eat meat. In reality, normal people have to be convinced not to eat meat.

5. Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson did not willingly retire his monumentally successful comic in 1995. He was forced by the pharmaceutical/newspaper complex to quit because he refused to depict Calvin, a six-year-old “poster child for ADHD”, taking Ritalin or another psychostimulant. Officials were frightened that other parents might begin to view childhood as normal, which would have severely squashed profits. Watterson flirted with the idea, creating several unpublished strips that show Calvin under the influence of stimulants, but he determined that no one would enjoy reading a comic about a boy doing homework who has no creativity or personality.

4. I hate to pick on Dr. Seuss, but any normal parent who reads The Cat in the Hat notices the oddity of two young children staying home alone for the entire day. What kind of father would depict two children attempting to cope with a home intruder, where the fish has more brains than the children? Besides, parents know that the Department of Child and Family Services would have been there in an instant (although the cat seems to possess the intellect of most DCFS workers, so maybe the cat worked for them, disqualifying this one as an outright lie).

3. Max, the boy in Maurice Sendak’s Where the Wild Things Are, would never be sent to his room without dinner. Such a draconian punishment would never be enforced by an American parent. In reality, whatever the boy did would be excused, or at most, his punishment would be that he couldn’t play his Wii for the rest of the day (although permissive parents would consider even that to be child abuse).

2. Readers of The Giving Tree are supposed to feel warm and grateful to the “tree” in their lives—those who willingly sacrificed for their good. But if my kid were as snotty and selfish as the boy in that book, I would have dropped a limb on his head and said, “Maybe if you had asked nice, you little brat..!” The End. Now that would be a good story.

And the biggest lie in children’s literature:

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas was severely edited, omitting crucial details. Notice, for example, that the play the children rehearse is never put on for the public. This is due to Linus’s egregious violation of the separation of church and state, when he actually explains the Christmas story according to sacred scripture—in a public building! Network officials edited out the sequence where Peppermint Patty alerts public officials of this over-step, who then shut down the entire production. The children are forced to huddle together outside in a private area, where they appear free—for the time being—to sing a Christmas hymn.

More Evidence that Regular Sleep is Supremely Valuable

A brand new study concluded that making up for repeated nights of poor sleep cannot be done in just a night or two.

Researchers found that after five days—an average school or work week—of insufficient sleep, a 10-hour night of sleep only recovered a small amount of the “sleep deficit.” Participants continued to exhibit poor attention, limited memory retention, delayed reaction times, and marked difficulty in regulating emotions. These findings bolster the growing consensus that people can accumulate a “sleep debt” if they regularly go without proper sleep, even if they attempt to make up for it on weekends.

Study researcher David Dinges said, "Lifestyles that involve chronic sleep restriction during the workweek and during days off work may result in continuing buildup of sleep pressure and in an increased likelihood of loss of alertness and increased errors."

This is particularly important for parents during the month of August—when children tend to continue summer sleep schedules. With the school year rapidly approaching, it would be wise for parents to begin re-regulating their child’s sleep schedule. It is impossible to transition Junior to sleeping from 9-7, for example, if he has been sleeping from 11-9 all summer. It will take a couple weeks, with bedtimes incrementally backing up to the earlier time.

During the school year, it is imperative that parents prioritize their child’s sleep, since almost every cognitive function requires adequate sleep and deficiencies cannot easily be remedied by sleeping in during the weekend.

Start now; have a sleep schedule. Encourage healthy sleep hygiene, so that your child develops patterns that will be habitual by the time school starts. You will lessen the stressful transition—although I can’t promise you will get rid of that stress altogether. That’s a bit above my pay grade.

The DSM-V: The Dumbest Senseless Manipulative Volume

I want readers to be forewarned: the American Psychiatric Association has lost the rest of its waning credibility now that the details of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is set to be published in its Fifth Edition. This volume is likely to endure more ridicule than a Bible at an atheist book club.
In the coming weeks, I am going to explore several of the more laughable aspects of the DSM-V, so that we can all enjoy the humor of this publication and develop an appropriate response to the most inane scientists our nation has to offer.

One of the most egregious stupidities involves the glaring conflict of interest of many of its authors. One example is Catherine Lord, who helped determine the new diagnostic categories of Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Of course, it makes sense to reexamine the criteria of this branch of disorders, which is relatively new to psychiatry.

However, Dr. Lord is involved in another area of Autism research; she has developed a test for the disorder called the ADOS. As Allison Bass reported, the subcategories included in her test (which, if widely used, could make her a fat paycheck) are suspiciously similar to the new criteria she proposes for the autistic spectrum disorders in the DSM-V! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how hopelessly biased she would be in determining these criteria. If she makes the new criteria too different than her test, no one will buy the test.

This is just one small example. There are dozens of others in the DSM-V. And there are dozens of other deadly criticisms of the document that is already responsible for labeling millions of Americans with “mental illness”.

I invite every person with critical thinking skills to ask: why would anyone trust the only specialty in medicine that has achieved no cures, achieves "success" only through damaging the organ it is supposed to fix, performs no better than placebo, and constantly changes its diagnostic categories?

Next: how scientific is a decision that five symptoms is a disease, but only four is not?

Diagnosing ADHD Far too Quickly

One of the key elements of the ADHD diagnosis—or any diagnosis, for that matter—is determining the cause of whatever ADHD-like symptoms exist. Most clinicians (at least in my experience) simply look at a few rating scales and do a quick history. When they perceive that Junior has struggled with ADHD-like symptoms since childhood and that these symptoms have been distressing to either the child or the child’s parents or teachers, the clinician then determines a diagnosis of ADHD.

This is pathetic.

Any clown can read rating scales and comprehend that a child struggles to pay attention or concentration, is disorganized, or lacks self-control. This shouldn’t require an MD or Ph.D. What requires critical thinking, patience, and a deep understanding of child development is recognizing that there are several possible causes or reasons for the child’s behavior patterns.

The more I work with children and their families, the more I am convinced that parents can absolutely prevent and “cure” the vast majority of ADHD cases. Yes, parents have that much power.

As soon as I discuss parents’ role in creating an ADHD child, out come the complaint that “You’re saying that ADHD is caused by bad parents!” Pro-ADHD organizations like CHADD outright mock the idea that parents have any causal relationship to ADHD symptoms (which is highly suspect). Rather, the psychiatric community believes that ADHD symptoms are caused primarily by an insufficient brain—presumably caused by unfortunate genetics.

But this is not only patently false, but demonstrably so. I have had scores of children in my office who were diagnosed with ADHD by licensed psychiatrists—often with really impressive credentials—whose ADHD symptoms vanished when the parents properly trained their children. How is this possible if the child's brain is broken (unless, of course, my treatments are so potent that they "fix" the child's damaged brain; if so, call the folks on the Nobel committee).

So are the parents of ADHD children bad parents? No way! They are simply imperfect parents who have failed to provide their child the adequate and unique training that they needed. Most of the parents I work with whose child has been diagnosed ADHD are wonderful, loving, supportive, protective, and engaged parents. They simply weren’t equipped to deal with a child with unique needs.

Are there other causes of ADHD-like symptoms? I’m convinced there are. There is good reason to believe that insults to the brain in utero or during the early brain development can have significant negative effects on executive functions. But the vast majority of children whose behavior mimics the “ADHD Poster Child” have the same cause: parents.

Remember the good news here: if the failure of parents can cause the problem, then when those parents understand their role and are equipped to properly train their child, they can fix the problem, once and for all! A cure for ADHD!!

Banning the “Play-Date”

Having been recently elected Grand Poobah by the Society of Sensible Parents, I hereby decree that it is now illegal to refer to children’s social gatherings as “play-dates”.

Being a benevolent dictator, I will explain my decision.

First, some historical perspective. There was no such thing as a play-date when we were children. In fact, I never heard the term until about 10 years ago—when I had my first child.* I think parents began using the term when they started arranging every minute of their child’s time, including their time with friends.

Why did parents begin using this heinous term? Partly because children no longer just leave their house and find friends to play with in the neighborhood. Paranoia over sexual predators has destroyed that freedom. Now, parents feel like they have to hold their kid’s hand two blocks away to their friend’s house for a pre-arranged social time. Since the parent planned it, it is likely on her calendar. Anything on the calendar is a date. Voila! It’s a play-date!

When I was a kid, we used more sensible terms, such as, “Can I go to Paul’s house?” How about, “Can Paul come over?” Or, “Paul and I are going to hang out.” It makes my stomach curdle to imagine asking, “Can I have a play-date with Paul?”

Play-date? Blech.

There is one exception to this new rule. If you have a girl younger than six, the term “play-date” is acceptable. Usually girls will play dress-up or dolls or other girly activities; they are not threatened by the idea of having a play-date. Boys on the other hand do not consider time with a friend to be a date. They consider it mutually pleasurable using of each other for sport. Boys do not want to have their time belittled by calling it a “play-date”.

Imagine asking your eight-year-old daughter in the middle of time with her friend, “How are you enjoying your play-date?” She probably wouldn’t be insulted—although she might roll her eyes at you and privately call you a dork to her friend. Now imagine asking your eight-year-old son the same question. He would be mortified. This is almost child abuse!

There is no second exception for a boy and girl get-together, even if your child admits to having a crush on the opposite-sex friend. You should not be encouraging dating in any form before…oh, to be on the safe side, let’s say…25. Surely, encouraging your six-year-old to view his time with his female friend as a date is not wise. It may be cute, but it’s also kinda gross.

Please, I implore you all. Withstand the temptation to use that horrid term. Try this old-fashioned language instead:

“Hey, Victor called to play; wanna go to his house?”
“You’re bored? Why don’t you invite Violet over?”
“Finish your homework; then you can go hang out with Sven.”

*Anyone complaining about my using the phrase “had my first child” because I’m a man and didn’t actually birth my child will henceforth be considered a “dweeb” and should seek professional help, as well as a powerful anti-anxiety agent. Get over yourself.

Suicidal Toddlers or Just Normal Kids?

"If I don't get another cookie, I'm going to kill myself!!" Most toddlers don't say things like that, but many go through a phase of hitting themselves when frustrated. Why do they do that and what is a parent to do?

Little ones are just as expressive as older children and adults--often more so. However, they lack the vocabulary to express themselves appropriately, so they have to use alternatives. One is to say goofy things like "I hate you." Another is hitting, biting, kicking, screaming, and tantruming. Yet another is hitting themselves. It expresses frustration, anger, sadness, and an inability to control oneself.

In a way, a child who hits himself is not only expressing frustration but begging Mom or Dad: "Please, help me get under control!" Parents have a few options when Junior starts whacking himself.

1. Interpret. Say something like, "Wow, it looks like you are really mad right now!" This helps the child learn to connect feelings to words. In time, he or she can learn how to use those words instead of hitting. The only disadvantage with this option is that it may inadvertently reinforce the pattern by giving the child your attention when being self-abusive.

2. Punish. Spanking, yelling, and other negative stimuli might stop Junior in the moment. But I don't recommend it because it will never teach a new way of dealing with the frustration that led to the behavior in the first place. Junior needs you to be in control of the situation by teaching new strategies for handling emotions.

3. Ignore. Eventually, your toddler will learn that hitting himself won't get your attention or whatever it is he wanted. This is extremely difficult to do, especially in public and especially since your child might injure himself.

4. Time Out. This is a good option, because it removes the child from the reinforcing aspects of the situation--namely, your attention. However, it might take a while for Junior to settle down once he is out of control and some toddlers are not ready to do Time Out until well into their third year. So this is better for 4 and 5-year-olds.

4. Redirect. This is the best option. Yes, it gives the child attention, but that's OK here, since safety is paramount and it provides an excellent teaching opportunity. When your child starts hitting, shift the focus to something completely different, like a chore, a song, a physical activity ("Hey, let's both twirl around until we fall down and want to throw up!"), wrestling, repeated hard high-fives, etc. Be creative. Just do me a favor: don't redirect to TV or video games. You'll have an Electric Addict in no time.

Give that a try when your toddler starts going postal on himself/herself! Remember, don't freak out; normal toddlers do crazy things.