For Parents Who Choose Not to Keep Their Teens Locked in a Cage

Bring up the issue of adolescent dating and out will pour a plethora of responses:

“As long as they don’t get pregnant, I don’t care what they do.”

“Oh, it’s cute to see them start dating; it reminds me of when I was 14.”

“Time to polish my shotgun collection!”

“I’m not letting my kids date until they’re 18; it’s too dangerous out there.”

Parents have a very broad range of values, expectations, and styles when it comes to their adolescents and dating. This is why it is crucial that you develop your own set and being communicating them with your child early on.

One of the most important factors to consider regarding teens and dating is safety and one of the key issues surrounding safety that your adolescent needs to be aware of is dating violence. It is not a rare event. Just ask Rihanna—or look at the pictures of her busted face. Teen violence in the context of dating is quite common. In fact, women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of violence in the context of a dating relationship—nearly 20 per 1000 women.

Here are a few keys to preventing dating violence:

First, it is imperative that before your adolescent begins dating, both parents (whether you are divorced or not) speak candidly about dating violence.

Second, many parents today do not insist that they get to know a child’s boyfriend/girlfriend before they go out together on group or one-on-one dates. This is nothing less than foolish. In my home, no dating will occur until I meet my child’s crush at least a few times. In my opinion, one-on-one dating should not be allowed until the age of 16; until then, group dates are allowed if responsible adults are supervising.

Third, teach your adolescents that they have rights in dating relationships. Just as they have rights in their relationship with you, they have certain rights with their dating partner. A good compilation of these can be found at the Alabama Coalition Against Dating Violence at http://www.acadv.org/dating.html

I will be discussing this issue in more detail this week; watch for future blogs on this important topic.

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New Parent Club Now Forming! TIPS!

I’m starting a new club called The Imperfect Parents Society, or TIPS for short.

by: Dr. Dathan Paterno

One of the weaknesses many parents bring to the adventure of parenting is the fantasy of perfectionism. Parents—mothers, more often—have a dream that they will be perfect and that their children will respond to their ideal parenting by being wholly obedient, respectful, sensitive, hard-working, and considerate. When their children’s behavior falls short, they presume one of two things: either there is something desperately wrong with their child or they have not quite learned the magic of “perfect parenting” and they must seek out the Holy Secret of Parenting Bliss. They come to me for this.

As is my wont, I shock them with…well, the truth. It’s kinda fun, to be honest. Time after time, I assuage parents’ guilt and concern by informing them that both they and their child are perfectly normal—that obnoxious, ridiculous behavior is a normal function of childhood.

I usually start with the following presuppositions:

1. All parents are imperfect, usually in a few important ways and always in several minor ways.
2. Parenting imperfections do affect children—sometimes seriously, sometimes negatively—almost always inadvertently.
3. Children are quite resilient to parental imperfections, as long as love, concern, and discipline are the rule, rather than the exception.
4. Parents who are aware of their imperfections and can accept themselves as imperfect parents are poised to minimize the damage that is done to their children.

If I can convince a parent of these things, then I can pretty much guarantee success for the family. I can help the parent separate what is normal childhood ridiculousness and what is truly pathological. Most of the time, however, the latter category has nothing in it, because the vast majority of children are normal—and so are the parents.

So, if you are a parent, you are imperfect. If you recognize it, you’re welcome in the club. It’s a big club.

Join me on The Imperfect Parents Society (TIPS) on Facebook!